Heather+H

Click for Concierto (my memoir) !!Onomatopoeias!!

Floating down the stairs on a cloud of happiness, Step down the hall and through a door...SMACK!

The silence hits and something's wrong. I can feel the sadness in the air...CRASH!

Booming voices shy away, Trailing into Nothingness, Hearing the thunder on the stairs and then...BANG!

Something sparks the air, Crying dry tears, What's happened? This has...SNAP!

Into pieces, Breaking voices, Tumult and...THUD.

My happiness turns to melted glass, Hot and amorphous, And dissolving with the pain, Why? Did you have to tell //me//?...THUMP.

Goes my heavy heart.

-Heather H (feedback please!)

I don't think "And dissolving with the pain" makes sense in the context you are aiming for. It sounds like the pain is leaving with the happiness. Perhaps you meant you are numb but then it doesn't fit with the poem.

Maybe a better word for sadness in the third line.

The two first lines in the last full stanza, to me, doesn't make sense.

- Stephanie D.