JadeG

Every year my family and I visit my aunt and uncle and spend a week in their North Carolina lake house. It’s an ideal bonding trip for the family…air conditioned camper, my sister and I cuddling and watching our flat screen TV, parents singing along to romantic songs holding hands, the dog wagging his tail sitting on his cushioned doggy chair… Oh wait I think I phrased that wrong it’s more like…. Sitting in a squished mini van with my sister’s foot up my ass as she tries to get comfortable to watch the bootleg tinny ass screen as the rents bicker about which audio book to listen to and as the dog pants nervously in the hot as hell cramped up car. Yup, that pretty much describing the 14 hour drive. However, when we finally reach the in gated community after the 14 hours of being in the same damn position, we get to see my aunt and uncle with the greeting that’s always filled with hugs and kisses. And true warmth with the hugs and kisses. It’s not like those relatives you hardly when they come and kiss you with the fake smile on your face and awkwardness in your hug while in the back of your head your thinking shit what’s their name. My aunt is from Sweden and you know those Europeans always with the slobbering of the face. So after I wipe the two pounds of lipstick off my cheeks, I go to my uncle for a hug as he makes a sarcastic remark like oh seems you took up most of the space in the car....wise ass. After the hugging and kissing, I unpack my bags and help my aunt with the welcoming dinner. Actually every dinner is like a homecoming dinner. Her cooking is amazing. No offence to my mom or anything, but she never burns anything or over seasons, it’s always just right. This summer, she made all food containing meat. I usually bring my friend Sam along for the trip and she’s a vegetarian. The wise ass usually puts meat in her food when she doesn’t know so her parents ended up sueing us and she wasn’t invited back. Just kidding, her mom didn’t let her because she needed to practice for swimming. I mean when you’re going to be in a house for a week with a lake out back who goes swimming? Good thinking. So she left me alone to spend a week hanging out with three boys our age, Fenten, Will, and Mike. It was so fun, the conversations were pretty intense sticking to their wide range 4 letter word vocabulary...did I mention how cool they are? Oh they are mad cute too. I could even compare them to actors. Fenten to Fat Albert, Will to Casper, and Mike to Pinocchio… so sexy. Anyway, I just tagged along on their adventures. I must admit it’s better then drifting out to sea by myself on a raft while the rest of the family laze around and read. Thrilling vacation time. So Fat Albert, Casper, Pinocchio, and I were off on another world win adventure….down the street on a golf course. Who knew that walking in circles in the middle of circles on a golf course in North Carolina would be hot? So we settled on taking a dip in the lake. Finally, the Disney crew actually had a good idea….I take that back the dumbasses start jumping off the bridges that connect the golf courses, flying into the shallow water. So I stand there thinking should I smack them in their heads or just wait for a rock at the bottom to do that. Fat Albert got some sense into him and told us he knew a bridge over by houses where it was higher and the water was deeper. At least the water was deep and it wasn’t as dangerous…and yet again I stand corrected. They started diving! Am I the only one that doesn’t want to end up on the bottom of the fucking lake?! “Let’s go Jade!!” Casper yelled. As I watched Pinocchio soaring and flipping through the air and Fat Albert doing canning balls clearing the water so I could see the bottom. The image of jumping and breaking in half began to fade. My adventurous side kicked in. I raised one leg on the ledge and pulled myself up. I was balanced as the image came back in my head looking down. I thought to get down when …boom….fat ass pushed me. I dropped straight down, entering the water, I crashed into a rock loosing consciousness as the blood spurted out…. That was my thoughts in the air but to my surprise I landed safely as my feet squished into the gross muddy seaweed at the bottom. A rush of freedom and letting go of everything filled my body after the first jump. The fear of…oh dying by brutally crashing into a sharp rock didn’t matter anymore. Before I knew it I was doing triple flip swan dives in midair- okay maybe not that intense but I was jumping fearless with out a lot of fear. As I surfaced back to the top of my jumps, I looked for the Disney crew that was no longer on the bridge. Then I saw the top layer of clothes laying on a tree gone and a police truck….o lordie….I started sprinting while sinking into the mud with every step. I saw a police sprinting back to his car while Casper and Pinocchio running in the opposite way with Fat Albert lagging behind. So the furious policeman starts shooting aimlessly getting each one in the leg. Good! Bastards get what they deserve, making me jump off bridges and leaving me with only the splinter and seaweed in my feet…I wish….I sprinted to catch up which didn’t take long to reach Fat Albert. I started to panic I kept saying to myself, “think positive think positive.” Okay how bad could it be…we weren’t in too much trouble…we only were trespassing on private property, jumping off bridges, and now running from a cop. Anyway, the geniuses run off into a tall grass patch. I mean on a Saturday with golfers, walkers, and bicyclists everywhere there can’t be any witnesses. My breathing is heavy because I’m either A) scared that I will go to Jail or B) I sprinted through a golf course with 20 pounds of wet clothes in the middle of July. So why I’m hunched over wet, tired, and itchy from the tall ass grass, Fat Albert signals me to crawl through a passage. Now hold up!! This hoe thinks I’m gunna crawl toward him on all fours through this heap of insects and bamboo grass. Who knew North Carolina had rainforests…goodstuff. I peer above the bamboo and see George Burns pointing to the rainforest with the police officer to the side. How the hell his eye sight could see us is questionable but what’s not is we were caught. So when in doubt the biotches start running. I stood still with the lake on all three sides and a cop on the other I wasn’t bout to play duck duck goose with the Disney gang and the man with the gun. If you need a replay of this past scene, reruns of cops come on Wednesday night at 6. I trudged to the cop with three stoners following behind. “What’s the problem officer?” Casper said. What’s the fucking problem!?!?!?! What the hells YOUR problem running from the popo, jumping off bridges, hiding out in the freaking Amazon…..freaking dimwit! “I’m so sorry officer we won’t do it again, just some naive kids having some fun.” Albert interrupted. Props to fatie. “I was just going to warn you. If you had not run I would not have to give you consequences.” “Rapeeeeeeee! Officer these man whores took me against my will they took my clothes off then stole them! I was simply trying to get my clothes back.” I said…well wish I said. “I’m going to have to fine the residence you’re currently staying with.” OH MY GOD! Europeans: Lovey dovey kissy huggy- piss them off- walk like you have a stick up your ass the rest of the summer. After two hours of pacing I finally came up with an idea. Wear eight pairs of pants so when Aunt Mary comes with the ruler I won’t have numbers 1-12 engraved in my leg. Another police car came by my side distracting me from my nightmare. What now. It’s the same police as before. “I’ve decided to let you guys go off the hook. Don’t run away next time. You look like decenent kids…have a nice day” Ha nice day. You just had me in tears (Actually sweat from fear and the 115 degree weather but that’s beside the point) figuring how I am going to escape my aunts screaming in another language, I have splits in my foot, seaweed down my shirt, and three stoners up my ass, yea best day ever. But I have to say I was relieved that I was gunna live to see tomorrow. One things for sure the rest of my days were spent drifting out to sea…actually they were spent drifting side to side because my uncle tied a rope to the doc and raft since my sister was found in the middle of the lake fast asleep….but that’s another story. So the moral of the story is…. Don’t piss off your European aunts…. Don’t have one?....Then the moral is if your friends jump off a bridge don’t do it too.