Katrina+L

A Collection of Short Stories Essays “Time Turned Fragile” What I love about being a high school senior is that I have only three more months before I get to leave. What I hate about being a senior is that I have only three more months before I’m gone. It’s not that I’m going to miss the school; I’ve had my fill of it, thanks. The thought of leaving so many people that I like behind makes me sort of nervous. Another thing I adore about Senior Year is that things seem to have fallen into place. Knock on wood, things are going pretty ridiculously well. So there’s this game that Mark and I play. It’s pretty basic: you ask a question, which the other person answers honestly. If you pass, you lose, although we’ve just ignored that part. To be honest, there’s only been one pass so far. We made a little amendment to the rules to add that you can’t ask a question that you can’t answer yourself, so in addition to asking the other person a question, you need to answer your own, before they ask you a question. At one point I asked what super power would he like to have. He responded mind reading, and then I had to answer. I said the ability to control time. Not time travel, necessarily, although that would be cool. Personally, I think being able to stop, slow down, speed up, etc. is way cooler than just jumping around. Then I got to thinking: time is whatever you make of it. I read somewhere that time is just something that humans made up in order to structure everything. I like that idea, because it makes things seem a little less stressful, when you know it’s not entirely real and definite. However, it’s simultaneously unfair because you have to follow time as it is now, or risk being marooned. This brings us to a trippy discussion that Mark & I had a few weeks ago all about – you guessed it - time. First of all, time is impossibly hard to wrap your brain around, unless you don’t think too hard about it. It’s when you think about it that it gets really confusing. Just remember, that time is relative. Like I said earlier, humans just made it up to keep track of things and make everything all tidy. Back to that idea of relativity. Stars take millions of years to travel through space to the point where we, here on Earth, see them. So that star you see outside your window right now might not even exist anymore. It’s in its own time zone entirely. My three A.M is not the same as someone in Japan’s three A.M. But it is. Because it’s the same time of day, but it occurs at different times, relative to where we are. So, I could make up my own time-space continuum and go about living my life, just on my own watch. However, then other people have to adjust to it, and most people don’t like that much. Plus, they might just think that I’m off my rocker. And, well, the universe doesn’t revolve around me. So as much as I’d like to have my own little time zone, where I can speed it up and slow it down, maybe even rewind or fast forward, I don’t think I can have it just yet. Give me a few years. Think about that for a little while. You know there are moments that you wish you could stretch out, or get as far from as possible. Technically, you can do both, because time is relative, and [in my opinion] pretty ridiculous. It might even be a way for us thinking beings to throw our weight around by saying, “Look what we invented!” Go crazy and explore time; see what you make of it. “Even If It Kills Me” Why are we the way we are? I think it’s a question that’s fascinated people since…forever. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think so. You know about the Butterfly Effect, right? Change one small thing, and there’s a ripple that affects everything else. So does that mean that everything happens for a reason? Although I really disagree with that theory on a moral level – what kind of excuse is that for a boy who has to watch his family be mutilated by rebels? – it makes sense. Back to the game, which [although I call it “Questions”] is apparently named “Truth.” Creative, isn’t it? This was a couple weeks ago, when Mark asked me what one thing I would want to know from birth & then be able to change. I passed. The more I think about it, the more I’m not sure that I would want to know about it beforehand. I don’t know if that makes me messed up or not, but I have a reason. Really. So you know that phrase, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Well, Motion City Soundtrack says it better: “What doesn’t kill us makes us who we are.” Following that line of thought, if I didn’t go through what I did, then maybe I wouldn’t be the same me. There are some things that I’d like to change about myself, but what if, by stopping that thing, I altered the things that I liked about myself? Yes, I am being intentionally vague about what happened. I’ve told only one person – not even the whole story, at that – and I’m going to announce it to the world in an essay? Not yet, but thanks for asking. I honestly thought that I could write about it, but I can’t. Sorry. So. Is altering your entire existence worth knowing something? Plus, even if I know about it, my avoidance would merely expedite the process, if we look at ancient myths as a reference. I honestly don’t know. Like I said, while it would be nice to have never gone through that, I don’t know if skipping it would really change me for the better. It’s a vicious circle of what ifs. “Don’t Wait” You know what’s cool about being older? Looking back on your life. I know: at seventeen, what can I possibly reflect on? A lot, actually. Like how utterly ridiculous I was when I was younger. And how much I’ve changed in just four years. I entered high school as a ridiculously quiet, shy, introverted person. I’m leaving it far more confident and loud. I think that it came about for a lot of reasons. First one: I dealt with issues, at least a little bit. I was depressed from sixth grade on, but I didn’t actually admit it until freshman year. I’m not talking crazy-psycho-suicidal depressed, but it was at the point where I kept to myself too much, and I think I missed out on a lot. Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time, and tell myself that it gets better. Or that taking things as they come doesn’t mean you have to bottle it all up. By the way, once I actually came out and said it, it felt good. Even though it caused an initial abrasive response from my mom, getting it out was better than keeping it in. Two: A big public high school has more people to befriend than a tiny Catholic school. There’s a good amount of kids that I can’t stand here, but for every one of them, there’s at least one person that I get along with pretty well. There are so many amazingly cool people that have helped me to alter my outlook on life. I felt like a bit of an outcast at St. Paul’s, and with a whopping 400 students in nine grades, there really weren’t many options. Add that to the lack of kids I played with on my street, and, well, there really wasn’t much. Kudos to South Brunswick for being ridiculously huge and giving me a plethora of people. Three: I stopped caring. I don’t mean that in the emo, nothing matters in life way. I’m talking about the big picture. Seriously, ten years from now, who’s going to care if I cut a class now and then? Will a B or C kill me? Granted, I still try to pull my weight when it comes to grades, but I certainly don’t stress myself like I used to. Funny thing, I’m doing just as well, if not better. I guess stress really is a negative thing. Also, once you stop focusing on what others think, you become more comfortable with yourself, and then life just seems…better. Don’t get me wrong; I was never obsessed with the opinions of others, but being odd one out all the time gets to you a little bit. Until you embrace your quirks, anyway. I’m sure that this list could go on for a while. I think it ultimately comes down to just taking a big breath, and relaxing. You get [presumably] one shot at life. So is it worth it to be miserable and anxious and stressed all the time? I don’t think so. “All Systems Go/Roller Coaster/The Adventure” I really don’t have much else to say [right now], so I guess it’s time to wrap it up. I apologize for my lack of originality if you’ve heard similar speeches before. I didn’t aim to please or make you laugh. This is more for me than it is for you. I’m terribly selfish, I know. Regardless, I hope you took something from all this; I know that just by writing it, I did. This whole process was soothing, and it’s nice to just sit and write once in a while. It’s like thinking on paper, except it’s a little more linear and neat. The brain’s a crazy place; do try to not get lost in there [too often, anyway]. Time to go. Cheers. **The titles are property of various bands**

__The Runaway__ Kelsey took a deep breath as she reached into her bag and withdrew her cell phone. She clicked down until Zach’s name was highlighted. Exhaling, she hit send and silently counted the rings. One. Two. Three. Fo-. It stopped as someone answered on the other end. “Hello?” a voice answered slowly, groggily. “Zach?” she asked, biting her lip nervously. “Yea, who’s this?” he replied. Her stomach fluttered at hearing his voice, and sunk at realizing he no longer recognized her voice. “It’s me. Kelsey.” Silence echoed in her ears, despite the hustling from other passengers aboard the plane. “Funny. Look, do you know what time it is? You think this is funny, this sick joke of yours? Asshole,” he snapped. “I know it’s two sixteen am, or thereabouts. My plane’s leaving in about ten minutes. I need you to pick me up, when I land.” “Seriously, whoever you are, I’m not in the mood for this shit. Go take your unfunny crap elsewhere. So, if you don’t mind, I’m going back to-” she cut him off. “Zach, it really is Kelsey. Remember your twelfth birthday party? I stopped Rachael Bowden from kissing you, because she was doing it as a bet. And two years ago, after we got our class rings, we traded them? We had to put them on chains because they didn’t fit. Mine has a blue stone, swimming on one side and singing on the others. Yours has a green stone, track on one side and wrestling on the other. We both have our full names engraved on the others’ ring. Your middle name is Matthias, and your first name is Zachariah.” She waited. He remained silent, so she continued. “In second grade, you threw a stone at a squirrel to prove you could, and ended up killing it. You were so upset that I agreed to have a funeral it out by the creek. We made a pact that after senior year, if we were still together, we’d get matching tattoos. For my sweet six –” This time, he stopped her short. “Okay, okay. Kelsey, I believe you. Where have you been? Where are you? Why’d you bolt? What the fuck were you thinking? D’you know how worried everyone’s been?” He waited, but she didn’t answer. “Zach, I want to explain it to you. I do. I can’t talk anymore, the plane’s getting ready to leave. Please, just come pick me up, and we’ll talk then. You can even take my car, if you want. You know where the keys are. Just say you’ll come.” Another silence. Her thoughts briefly drifted to her bright blue Civic Coupe, which lay, presumably, under a tarp, untouched. “Zach, please…” Kelsey stared at her nails. “Look, I gotta go. I should be landing at nine thirty. Okay?” Still nothing. She sighed. “Goodbye, Zach. I’ll see you in a little while.” She hastily ducked down to switch her phone off and to drop it into her bag, trying to ignore the person sitting next to her, who had been staring at her during her conversation. As the plane began to move, she felt nauseas, not because of the increasing speed or angle, but because she was returning home after almost a year of being gone. She closed her eyes, and thought about everything that had led up to this. //“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…” The priest droned on and Kelsey glanced over at her friends, Tina, Chris, and Anna, who were all crying without restraint. Zach had his arm slung around her shoulder. The thing was, she didn’t feel like she needed the comfort he was offering. In fact, she really didn’t feel much at all, just a king of throbbing numbness. She dutifully passed tissues to her other friends, but a tear never crossed her cheek; not until later, long after the reception, and after her three friends had fallen fitfully asleep on her couch, did she let herself sob silently upstairs, with Zach rubbing her back, and not saying a word. Kelsey woke the next morning dazed and confused. She was curled against Zach in her bed. She gently shook him awake. “Your parents are probably wondering where you are,” she said, not meeting his eyes. “They can wait,” he replied, reaching out and stroking her hair. She smiled a little, and curled herself more tightly against him. An hour later, they were both awake again, and resigned themselves to the fact that the others downstairs needed them, or at least, they needed Kelsey. Over the next few weeks, Kelsey was there in a heartbeat, if one of her friends should need her. She helped them stay on top of their schoolwork, and life in general. Even after the initial shock and pain had worn off, they relied on her more heavily than before for their other issues. A few weeks into March, she’d had enough. She strolled into her guidance counselor’s office after lunch and sat down. “What’s up Kelsey?” Miss Hall had asked, adjusting her perfect blonde ponytail and smiling brightly at her. “I want to graduate,” Kelsey replied bluntly. “Well, who doesn’t? You’ll have no problem graduating next year. In fact, you have more than enough credits; you just need that last year of gym and English.” “No, you misunderstand me. I want to graduate, to leave, now. Not thirteen months from now. How do I go about that?” Her counselor stared at her, shocked. “Well, you need to take your finals, and either complete your two remaining courses over the summer, or take the exam for your G.E.D. But…with your plans for next year, why are you doing this? I mean, if it’s what you want, I can’t stop you, though you need your parents’ permission.” “Look, I just…I need to get away for a while, without having to worry about any of this. When can I take everything? I want it done before prom,” she said speaking clearly and finitely. Her amber eyes were challenging as her counselor stared, and tried to put together an answer. “Well, I’ll get in touch with your teachers. You’ll have to get this signed by your parents,” she sighed, reaching into a folder and withdrawing a packet. “Are you sure about this? Is there any other way that I can help fix what’s going on?” she asked, concerned. “Can you turn back time or bring back the dead?” Kelsey asked. Her inquiry was met with silence. “Didn’t think so.” She took the packet. “I’ll get this back to you tomorrow. Later, Miss H,” she swept out of the office, and narrowly avoided colliding with someone. On her way to her locker, Zach found her. He eyed the papers in her hands. “What’s that?” “Just some stuff. You order your tux yet?” she asked, changing the topic smoothly. “Um…I was going to do that when I got home?” he offered. She snorted. “Look, when you end up with some shotty excuse for a tux, and we don’t match, don’t blame me,” Kelsey teased, pecking him on the cheek. “See you later.” At home, she laid the packet out with a pen, and the necessary places tagged. “Kelsey,” her mother started. “What do you plan to do next year?” her father finished. “You’re too late to apply to any colleges. This just doesn’t make sense. Plus, when you apply next year, what will they think?” “I’ll probably get a job or something. Colleges will think that I took a fantastic initiative by preparing for life on my own, and by condensing everything into three years. That doesn’t matter. Can you please sign? I know what I’m doing, and why. You don’t need to worry about it, really.” Nothing else was said until after dinner, where she reassured them that this was what she wanted. Sighing, they reluctantly agreed, and signed the papers. The next day, as promised, she dropped the packet off. Throughout the next few weeks, in between work, school, and swim practice, Kelsey devoted herself to final and G.E.D prep. She wasn’t worried about applying next year. She had destroyed the SATs with a 2230, and her resume was impressive. By the second week of May, she had taken and passed all the tests. She had also, unbeknownst to anyone, booked a two-way open ticket for the afternoon after prom, and put in her two weeks at work. She had taken all but four-thousand dollar and placed it into a few CDs, so that when she returned, she wouldn’t be struggling to make a living. In the back of her closet, she had two black and white tweed suitcases packed and ready to go. She felt lighter than she had in a while. Friday afternoon, the day before prom, she, Tina, and Anna were sitting next to each other as they had their nails done. They chatted amiably about pointless things, and Kelsey tried to stay focused on the present, and not Sunday, which was so close, and yet so far off. After prom, they would be splitting up. Tina and Anna were going to some theater after-party, Chris was going with some friends to the beach. She and Zach were planning to return to her house for some movies, since her parents were out of town until the following weekend. They would be leaving immediately after she and Zach allowed them to take pictures. She had everything ready to go, and not a care in the world. Even if it was only Junior Prom, she was going to make it the best night possible for her and her friends. Kelsey woke up at ten Saturday morning, and took her time showering. She made her way to the hair salon at four; and by six, exactly when Zach and his parents arrived, she was ready. Her navy blue strapless dress had a brighter blue overlay, and it made her eyes pop. Her auburn hair was elegantly styled in a bun, with some strands curling down. Zach was smartly dressed in his black tux with matching blue cumberbund and bowtie. They both had a white rose in their boutonnière and corsage. The others arrived shortly thereafter, and the pictures seemed to take forever. At last, their parents bid them farewell, and they all slid into the limo. Despite not being particularly fond of such events, Kelsey found that prom had been fantastic. The group had danced together for a large portion, though backed off to give the couples space occasionally. After dessert, Kelsey and Zach found a secluded corner to talk and cuddle for a while, emerging every so often to dance again. She lost track of songs, and couldn’t count how many pictures she’s been in and taken. Finally, just after midnight, the night began to wind down, and everyone said their goodbyes, and made their way to the limo. Zach and Kelsey were the first dropped off. They took a few more pictures on the limo under the moon, and then let their friends move on. They made their way inside her house and went to change before reuniting on the couch for some movie watching and game playing. Most of the movie was forgone for making out, and eventually, they made their way upstairs to her room, where, not for the first time, they had sex. At barely nine o’clock, Kelsey woke up, and with more stealth than ever, slid from the bed. She took a silent shower, and returned to see Zach still sleeping. She smiled a little, and pulled her suitcases and ticket from the closet and brought them outside, where a taxi was already waiting. “Anythin’ else, Miss?” the driver asked her as he loaded her bags into the trunk. “Two more things I have to do, and then we can go,” she replied, handing him the fare. He tipped his hat, and she went back upstairs. Zach slept on. She pulled a sticky note from her pad and scribbled, “Sorry, but I need some time to recharge and sort everything out. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” She stuck the note next to Zach, and kissed him very lightly before heading out the front door, which she locked. She pulled a grey tarp over her Civic, and then slid into the back seat of the taxi. She nodded at the driver, who started the car. She fell asleep during the hour drive to the airport, and was woken by the driver, when they arrived. She thanked him, gave him a tip, and made her way inside. Two hours later, she was through customs, and making her way onto her plane. Her phone, which already had copious missed calls and messages, was switched off. She would deal with it later. Smiling, she reclined in her seat, and slept the whole way into England. When she exited the plane and made her way to pick up her bags, there was someone waiting for her, holding a sign bearing her name. She didn’t know exactly where she would be going, or how long she would take, but she had arranged for places to stay through pen pals, and wasn’t worried in the least. Miraculously, her parents never called the police to report her missing. Eventually, messages and calls from her friends and family back home stopped popping up on her screen. She stayed in England for two months, then made her way to Ireland for another two. In Ireland, feeling slightly guilty, she dated another guy, who was sad, but didn’t try to stop her, when she took off again. From Ireland, she made her way to Germany, then Italy and Greece. Lastly, she went to Australia for a short spell, and then England again, where she spent two weeks with her original family, before deciding it was time to really go home. Not because her funds were lacking; she had managed to save very well, despite the poor exchange rate, though she doubted how much longer she could stretch out her money. Rather, she was feeling at peace with everything, and she was almost a year from home. On her eighteenth birthday, her phone had been filled with messages from everyone. She spent it with some friends she’d made in Italy, along with the boy from Ireland, who had, on a whim, chased her down. With even more guilt than when she’d first kissed him, Kelsey had sex with him. She spent another week with him, and promising to keep in touch, she left for good. And now…// Kelsey glanced up as the stewardess stopped by her seat. “Anything to drink, love?” she asked. “No, thanks. How long till we land?” she replied. “About forty minutes, dear. Sure I can’t get you anything?” “I’m sure, thank you, though.” Smiling and nodding, the stewardess made her way down the aisle. Kelsey glanced out the window, taking in the clouds, which were grasping on to strands of the morning’s sunrise. “So what’s on your mind?” her seatmate asked abruptly, though not rudely. “Nothing, really. I’m just thinking how different it will be to be home. Yourself?” He ignored her question. “Been away for a while?” “About a year, yeah. You?” “I will be for a few weeks on business. Going to some place in Jersey. What’s your excuse?” “Business, of a kind. You always this nosy to strangers?” “Sometimes; it depends on how interesting they look,” he replied. “I don’t know if I should be insulted by that,” Kelsey returned, smirking a little. “I guess I’ll take it as a compliment, to keep things friendly.” “A good idea there, love. Rupert, by the way,” he said, extending a hand. “Kelsey,” she shook his hand, and felt the band on his finger. “Married for a while?” she asked. “Fourteen years yesterday. She was right ticked that I was leaving today. I’m guessing you’re not, though, are ya?” “You guessed correctly. I don’t even think I have a boyfriend waiting anymore. He didn’t really agree to picking me up. And I left without much notice, which I’m sure he didn’t take very kindly to.” “You’d be surprised.” “Mmm, I don’t know. I kind of cheated on him, while I was away. Though, after looking through some messages, it wasn’t really cheating. I still feel bad, though.” “I see. Why’d you leave?” Kelsey started. “It’s kind of a long story,” she muttered, glancing outside again. “Well, make it short for me,” he countered. “Um…I guess I got tired of everyone relying on my for too many things for too long. I needed some time to straighten myself out. And, I sort of, like I said, left without saying anything. Now, I’m going home. End of story.” “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” he laughed kindly. “So, did you find yourself, while you were gone?” he inquired, green eyes sparkling. “Almost. I think I’ve found the path to find me, which is a lot better than before.” “What’re you going to do, when you get home?” “Pack for college, meet up with friends, get my job back, and start swimming again.” “That’s it? How d’you know you’ll have a college to go to? And what about your boy?” “Other things, too; that’s just the main agenda. I applied, while I was traveling. Six out of nine accepted me right away. Two of the others did later. The last one was just for kicks.” She sighed. “I don’t really know what to do about him. What would you do, if you were in my shoes?” “Kiss him.” “That’s it?” “Sure, love. Don’t say anything. When you see him, go up to him, drop your bags, pull him in for a good, long kiss. See how you feel. Then talk.” “You make it sound simple,” Kelsey snapped. “It is, love. I talk from experience,” Rupert laughed. “Please fasten your seatbelts,” a voice said coolly from above. “We will begin our descent in ten minutes.” Kelsey and Rupert continued talking about less important things, such as the flight’s movies and food, and the weather. As they exited the plane, he handed her a business card, smiling. “One last friend from your journeying. If you ever need anything, love,” he hugged her, and kissed her as a father would. She stared at first, surprised, then smiled back. “Thanks, I’ll let you know how everything works out. Enjoy adjust to the good ol’ USA,” she said, hugging him a last time. As she headed towards the baggage pickup, she began fidgeting with everything. She redid her long braid, tugged at her jeans, and checked her nails, anything to distract herself. She found her bags, and then made her way to the pick up area. She closed her eyes and took a breath, then opened them and began to scan the crowd. Her face fell as she didn’t recognize the familiar dark head of curls. She didn’t really think she should be so disappointed, but she still was. She tugged at the chain around her neck, and fingered the heavy ring. Maybe this was it… “Kelsey,” someone called. She spun around, and she reluctantly smiled in disbelief as she took in the sight of Zach standing there, hands stuffed in his hoodie pockets. Not just any hoodie, she noted, but the one she’d given him for his seventeenth birthday, which was exactly six months before hers. She also saw that her ring was sticking out from under his t-shirt. Dropping her bags with a thud, she walked purposefully towards him, stopping just inches from him. Before he could say anything, she took Rupert’s advice, and gently took his face in her hands, and kissed him, long and hard. She stepped back after a few minutes and they stared at each other in silence. “Zach…I’m really sorry, and I’m really glad you came,” she said finally. “Me too,” he replied, taking her hand in one of his, and one bag in the other. She did the same. “You want to tell me about your year away?” he asked as they walked out of the airport to where he had parked her car out front. “Sure. But, you have to promise something.” “What’s that?” he asked, glancing at her, as he loaded her bags into the trunk. “You won’t get mad. And for everything I tell you about my time, you tell me something about yours.” “Deal,” he replied instantly, slamming the trunk. He then gently gripped her waist and leaned her against the car as they kissed again. “Let’s go home,” he muttered into her neck. “I’d like that,” she responded.


 * Just a few notes - I really don't know how I feel about this story; I kinda just sat and wrote it. So, feel free to eat it up, I won't be offended. Promise.**

Ramblings Looks like I've Won. But this victory is a pyrrhic one. Still I wonder, How can I move on, With you so far gone?

Sometimes I lie awake at night, And wish I'd lost that fight. I stare at that white wall, And hope to maybe see What's become of me.

As years go by, Time ceases to fly, and I'm still searching. For what, I don't know - That's why there's naught to show.

I'm always running away, Hoping for a brand new day. Don't give me that look; You know it's what I have to do, So I can escape from you.

The farther I run, the harder I fall. I can't believe I knew her at all. Those haunted eyes stare back at me. The pierce my masquerade, And everything begins to fade.

Where'd I go wrong? How'd it go so long? I thought I had you fooled. But as we reach the end, I see it was all pretend.

All this time I screamed to be freed, When what I need, Is your arms Holding me tight, Telling me it's all right.

Why can't I move on, if you're so far gone? Maybe it's because I still cling to The memory of (me and) you.

And I should let this go, Because like pure white snow, It's only temporary. If I could just say the word, To end all this discord.

You might wonder what's become Of my fancy, fine tongue. Now I think: Keep it simple, keep it sweet. I just have to say, That I'm sorry.