Natalie+Z

Natalie Zamora's memoir

The frigid winds knocked on my windows and doors as I woke up that morning. No sun was shining, nor heat being blown down to us. The first snow day of the year. Relieved, we all decided to get together, my friends at the time and I. We all bravely strengthened up out of bed, put on our itchy scarves and headed out into the cold, just so I could endure the worst day of my life. No one knew at the time, no one would know until much later. But it was coming. --- It was beating. The fast, fast, slow, slow beat that wasn’t steady. My head, my mind my stomach, and my heart: torn. The sound of my eyes, full of drowning tears, chokes my speech. Slur. My mouth opens and the salty tears fill it as I roughly rub my itchy and swollen eyes. My tired arm reaches up to wipe the melted eyeliner from my bottom lid and to force my messy hair out of my even messier face. My whole body feels heavy. I look at the person who causes my every feeling...including this one. He is silent, besides the sobbing, mimicking me. I try to think rationally, but my mind’s already so full. I feel dizzy. I have to sit down. I lay, listening to the faint talking from the friends in the other room. “Friends.” As if. I look around. The room suddenly feels like an unwelcoming hotel, and the one beside me feels like a stuffy guest who never leaves. The one no one ever gets to know. Like a stranger in my house. I want to yell at him, tell him to leave. But I can’t. There’s something inside me all the way in deep, stopping me. The faint familiarly in the pit of me tells me I can’t. And all the people there, outside the walls of a room I never saw so safe. I have to stay here. This place I feel so strange about; this place I feel so strange in. And now, me, alone. Without the one person, my everything. He’s replaced with this new //guy//. This monster. He’s upset, how he cries. I don’t want him here. He makes me uncomfortable at the least; watching me, crying over //me?// Why me? I don’t even know this man, not anymore. But I can’t stop watching him; I can no longer control my wet eyes. I stop crying, and watch him closer. He is a boy, my age, I see him clearer now. What seems to be a classic case of white flesh pasted over bones feels completely new to me. I was only ever close to one guy. He was similar to this one, his looks. But he disappeared, not caring about me. Replacing him is this...thing, boy? Maybe I must get used to this one, fall in love again. Get hurt, and left…Again. He’s still so upset. I begin to feel almost, sympathetic, for this one. This new one forced into my life like the old one was forced out. He begins speaking now, searching for a tissue on the cluttered floor beside my bed. I’m not ready to hear his voice, but my ears make me. “Please, stop,” I hear myself plead without even thinking. He stares, as I watch one particular drop from his thin face and onto his neck. He nods, and lies down beside me, making me more claustrophobic than ever. I feel my arms and legs enlarge with goose bumps and listen to the pitter-patter of sweat dripping from the inside of my leg to the floor. And again, the crying. From him at first, then me? Why am I crying? Why did I start? Because of the one I loved, still love... Not this one. Never this one. I glance at him again, the brave thing to do. He mouths the words, ‘I love you,’ and I nervously look away. My hazel eyes watch the floor. How does he love me? Is he mistaking me for someone else? For the other girl in the next room? That would be impossible. He stares at me impatiently. I think he wants an answer, but I don’t have one. I hear a knock on my door. It sounds like a shot gun through all the silence. I stumble off the bed, quickly fix my hair in my mirror, and open the door. My worst fear, it’s her. The one with the glasses and the flocculent face. Rage and disgust swallows me. I examine her closely, watching her every move. The grease that appears in her hair sticks out more than ever and the sweat beneath bumpy skin unmasks. This is who she is, who she’s always been. She announces she’s leaving, and I almost smile. But I don’t. I’m silent; she understands. As coldhearted as the slimy girl is, she doesn’t seem to cause a problem. I feel relieved when she leaves. Now I just need to find a way to get this stranger out. Scared, I close the door. I cautiously walk back to the mirror and strangle out another brush from the bottom of a drawer. Time to get out, out of this room that’ll never be the same. I struggle to brush through my beautiful hair that has transformed into a scrambled mess. I look back at the man once more. He’s still staring, his beady brown eyes find a way to pull me down, make me wanting to stay, but I can’t. Slowly, I open the door, making my every move invisible. Quickly now, I walk out of my room and pasts my guests, avoiding cliché advice and awkward crying. I’m out. I’m out of the room, out of the confusing, disguises, and lies. I walk downstairs as I hear footsteps creeping behind me. Paranoid, I turn around and see two figures in the unlighted room. My two best friends. Despite my desire to be alone, I find comfort with these two. I feel their embrace and fake a smile through rough tears. I look at them closely as I write their names in my mind. //Dimitri and Brittany.// Hugging the brother of the mystery man makes me feel devastated that I may never see him again, and smelling Brittany’s hair as it’s covering my face as I hug her makes me feel safe that I have a true friend. The familiar smell that makes me calm. I can make it through. They try to talk about it. Dimitri, sticking up for his big brother, and Brittany just wiping my tears. I don’t want to talk about it. I try to make that clear as they hug me even tighter and tell me that I’ll be okay. We hear more footsteps and look up to the dark staircase. The one, he’s here. The tall, skinny rail walks up to us. He makes us three at a loss for words, as I try once again to figure him out with a clearer mind. I now know who he is. Cheaters never change. ---

media type="custom" key="2990970" Natalie Zamora's short story

Felicity closed her eyes. “Wake up, Felicity. Don’t go to sleep on me,” Aiden spoke calmly, not wanting to scare her. Felicity looked up at him. “I can’t stay awake. Go to sleep with me, please,” Felicity pleaded. Aiden smiled at her, telling her what he thought without even speaking. “Aiden, it’s 3 in the morning, time for sleep!” Felicity moaned as she stretched her legs across the queen bed. “Fine, you go. I love you, I love you, I lo-“ Felicity cut him off as she gently placed her index finger on his soft lips. “Shhhh, let me sleep,” Felicity whispered as she quickly drifted off. A long day was enough for her; she didn’t need another long, sleepless night. Aiden then closed his eyes. He couldn’t sleep. Felicity’s soft heartbeat kept him awake. He didn’t mind. He looked around his room. The green walls looked black in the night. The moonlight didn’t even shine through the windows He could feel the folded piece of paper in his back pocket, crying to be opened, but he would resist, just a little longer. Aiden looked at Felicity. She looked so tired, yet so beautiful. He placed his hand on her forehead, and started to feel her porcelain face. Her rosy cheeks felt warm against his pillow. He then decided to lay down beside her, put his arm around her. He pulled down her turtle neck sweater he had gotten her to softly kiss her neck. She was everything he’d ever wanted. But everything he would give away. Quickly, he beckoned his thoughts as he took out the piece of paper from his pocket. Then he read what he had written a few hours earlier: To break up, or not to break up? He had known he loved Felicity, or did he? There was something undistinguishable that was telling him he didn’t. Placing the paper back into his pocket, he let out a frustrated sigh. ‘Stick to the plan. When she wakes up, I’ll do it for sure,’ Aiden thought to himself as he sank into his bed. He stayed up for more than half the night thinking about Felicity, until finally he had come to a conclusion. Turning off the faint antique night light, he fell to his slumber. “Aiden…Aiden wake up! It’s 1 in the afternoon, wake up!” Aiden heard Felicity’s voice and soft taps on his stomach as he awoke to see Felicity poking him and speaking loudly right into his ears. Aiden smiled to see her and rejoiced as he remembered his decision. He did love Felicity, and was never letting her go. He lifted his head up from his pillow and leaned over to kiss his girlfriend, but just as he did, she leaned back from him. “Felicity, what’s wrong?” Aiden starred at her as she fumbled with her delicate hands and a piece of blonde stringy hair that had fallen from her pony. “Aiden. I’ve been meaning to do this. I’m not sure that the love we share is for real. And if it isn’t, I don’t want to be together any longer.” “But Felicity, I love you. I know I do.” “I know you do,” Felicity began, “But I don’t know if I do. I’m sorry Aiden.” With that, Felicity got up, silently hugged Aiden for the last time, and walked out of his room. Aiden, full with tears, laved down on his bed. Stretching his long arms and legs, he heard paper crumpling under the sheets. He then fished out a piece of paper crumbled into a ball and opened it. ‘Felicity’s handwriting’, he thought as he glanced at the paper. Then he read: To break up, or not to break up?

Your surface feels warm The warm feeling I love The feeling I feel Inside and out

The bushiness of your hair Comfy and deep Flows softly across your forehead It's perfection at the least

Your lips Slender and smooth Changes my life With only one Kiss

Your awkward figure G A N G L Y and lanky Skinny, Maybe not skinny Thin is the word Long legs, long arms More for me to squeeze

Your embrace Not like any other The scent of your heated neck Makes me smile The tightness of our hug Uncomfortable for most But it's not, not at all Not for me

Your fingernails Purely young Massive hands, monster fingers Roasting palms The palms I love

Your nose Soft sniffles Itty-bitty sneezes Giggling nose-kisses Make me go crazy

Your eyes Powerful and strong Lightly tanned Not close to mine But close enough to adore

Your ears L E N G T H Y and great Delicate, light hair planted on Lighter than on your head Which I touch and kiss

It's overwhelming At the least To know someone like this Lives. It's a crazy feeling The love I have Is it made for just Me and you? //No it's not, Don't be selfish,// I tell myself alone But when i see those beautiful LIPS, EYES, EARS, SMILE, NOSE I can't help but think No one is like us And no one will ever Be the same They can't Ever Feel The love That we do Right now And forever