GabriellaR-SBHS+memoir

He said that ever since I was a baby I didn't get along with him. Maybe he was right. And looknig back I knew that that was a definite sign for problems in the future. When I was a baby, the family knew me as mommy's little angel. I was always with her almost like a protecter or some type of guard. When I got to the age of about five years, my brother began to stay around my mom more than anything. So since i wasn't the center of attention, i had no other choice than to stay around my dad. I began to feel more excluded from things going on because i wasnt always with my mom anymore. And because my dad had the company now, he began to do all sorts of projects and outdoorsy things. And guess who tagged right along. But that's all i used to do with my dad. Build random things and pull weeds when it was summertime. That was the relationship. It was very confusing for me because he wanted me to be daddy's little girl so bad. But he just wanted the title. Although i was young i understood what was gonig on all i wanted was for him to be there.
 * __Dealing With Change__**

I can remember times where I would go to the store with my mom, and i would get so mad because my mom wouldnt buy me the toy that i wanted. So there was daddy trying to show me that he could buy me anything, and he tried to. One night i was sitting down watching television and i saw this little porcleain doll with a table cloth dress. And being a little kid in kindergarten when you see something you want you'll do anyhting to get it. But all i did was ask my dad and two days later he came home with the exact doll in hand. She looked even more perfect in person. See i didnt get it. Whatever i wanted, i'd just ask him and he'd get it. I can see now that that was my dad's form of being a parent. Just getting everything that i wanted, it was that simple. But one day, my dad got really mad at me and started yelling and acting in a way that i wasnt used to. And i started crying, and i couldnt hold in my anger and i took that doll and i threw it against the wall as hard as my little body could.

That's when everything started falling into place or maybe even falling apart. I now understood that i never really had a relationship or connection with my dad. And come to think of it, that doll breaking was just clarifying my assumption. Everything was falling apart. All of these events happened when i was about six. Around the time that i turned seven, a man was shot down in front of our house. My brother and i woke to see the man lying there lifelessly. My father didnt think that it was safe for us kids to live in that house. But i just saw the negative side. I thought that my dad just wanted to take me away from my friends and family and the house that i grew up in and loved. I wouldnt understand anyways. So believe it or not from the on in i grew up thinking that my dad was the enemy. I'm sure that's because i was seven i just didnt know how to show or express my feelings. So no one suspected anyhting was worng so they would just glance over things. But when the family did realize that i wasn't always myself they would just leave me alone and go on about "oh, its just a phase. she'll grow out of it."

Now i was switching back to thinking about the positive side. The postitive side of now living in New Jersey, was that my dad still worked in New York and he was never around anymore. There was less yelling and screaming but no one bothered to bring up that it was probably because my dad was never around to fight with. But as time passed; my mom started getting fed up with my dad "working late," or "going to meetings." Which posed the question: "Are you cheating on me?" That's when i realized that i'm not the only one that had problems. I wasn't the only one that feared that our family was falling apart just like my grandmother said it would. At this time i was twelve. To be so young and to witness your family falling apart and you not being able to do anything is hard. Now i was feeling as if my father not only cheated on my mom but on the whole family as well. I was heartbroken. I had to sleep in my mom's room for a solid week while my father slept in the guest room. I've never felt so helpless and lonely in my life. I recall sitting in one place and listening to my mom cry and talk about how she would be better off without him and that divorce was her only way out. Scary thought; divorce.

Everything was being pulled out of my reach and it was ripping me apart. It just didn't make sense to me. Stuff like that wasn't supposed to happen to me or my family. But that wasn't even the worst part. My grandmother left us. My parents started arguing more. My dad started drinking more. My brother was out of the house more. As for me? I was stuck inside the house, behind closed doors crying myself to sleep night after night. Just to be able to wake up in the morning and put on a fake smile for my friends. Just as Eminem said: "i'm supposed to be the soldier who never loses his composure." I'm supposed to be the one whose always there for my mom when she crys. Or always there for my brother when he's had a bad day. But who's supposed be there for me when my parents are yelling and screaming? Whose supposed to be there when I'm shivering and rocking back and forth because i'm scared? No one ever had the time. Everyone always glanced over me and focused on my parents. But i didnt act the way i did because i wanted attention. I did it because i had nothing else to do. I was young, helpless, and shit out of luck. But did my parents ever realize that their screaming and crap left an emotional scar on my life?

That brings us to the transition from 2008-2009. When I alone went away with my cousins for vacation in North Carolina. We left the day after Christmas and came back the day before school. When I came back, my dad was drunk. He was rude and he cursed at everyone. It was really embarassing and wasn't the welcome home i expected. Worst of all it really hurt. My mom helped him up the stairs into bed and then returned and apologized. I never forgave him for that. The next day no one spoke to him. While i was on vacation i had said that i would finish all of my homework for the week to come. Unfortunately that didnt work out as planned. My dad was angry and honestly i didnt understand why because i still had that day to finish. He yelled and screamed and threw in a couple of curse words that usually would never be said in the house. I didnt speak to my dad for about a month and a half. You know why? Because he expected me to go and apologize for lying about when i was going to finish my homework.That was ridiculous. One night when my brother left to hang out with his friends, my parents began watching tv together and then a fight errupted out of no where. When i sat on the stairs to listen closely, i heard them argue about me. I just sat on the stairs and cry until i couldnt hear or breathe. That's when my mom called me down just to find me with tears streaming down my red eyes. She knew I had been listening through the whole conversation. We sat in silence until my mom said that all problems were coming out in the open that instant. So i told him that his excessive drinking was tearing our family apart. Tears rolled down my cheek as i watched my dad cry for the very first time. It was like the doll that was broken way back when, was being glued back together indicating that there was still a chance for our family and a chance for my dad to change.

To this day our family still has its little kinks and at the end of this month my dad is still moving out. My brother is going to college, and its just going to be my mom and I. Although this isn't the way that i planned/prayed for things to work out, its a start for all of us moving away from our past and starting new a new chapter.